Halloween is traditionally the time for soaping windows and other minor acts of mischief (some would say, vandalism). I have a little streak of mischief in me, too, although it’s more the verbal kind.
Barnes & Noble’s is a great place (of course it is; it’s a bookstore ;), and I like their clerks. One time they ordered in a book for me and I went to pick it up.
“Hi, I’m here to ransom my book”.
This past January, I was going through a box that had been buried under junk for a very long time. I came across a B&N gift certificate for $20. Paper certificate. Blank. Did I buy this for someone and forget? Hard to say. I turned it over, and saw it was stamped “December 1995″. Yep, buried a long time.
But I checked with the store and it was still good. So next time I had the chance, I went there, picked out some books, and went up to the clerk.
Me (putting books on counter): “Hi, I’m not paying for these books”.
Clerk: “Okay” (I tell ya, they have aplomb).
Me (placing cert. in counter): “I’ll trade you this antique for them”.
And there was the time - it was quite awhile back - I placed an order over the phone for a $200 order.
Clerk: “And what card would you like to put that on?”
Me: “Someone else’s”.
That came right out; I didn’t think it up beforehand. What brought this to mind was some remarks made in the comments section of “The Big Index” post about brownies.
Way, way back, in my first year running the GameSIG on CompuServe, we were coming up to April 1st. I just had to come up something for that. One thing a SysOp do was change the name of the SIG.
So, on April 1st, everyone who visited saw: “Welcome to CookieSIG!”. Naturally we had everything cookie, and thousands of recipes for chocolate chip cookies (that was just in the header; there were, of course, no recipes really).
The members got a good laugh out of it, and a few were even momentarily nonplussed, thinking they had somehow gone to the wrong the place. And then…
And then some bright individual started a thread in the RPG section on “The Armor Class Of Cookies”. I kid you not. It went on for several days. There was avid discussion on this subject, which branched out into related topics. The Elves of Keebler naturally came into it.
There was mention of the diabolical werecookies, and whisperings about the mysterious “Power Word, Fahrenheit”. It was one of the funniest things I’d ever read.
I did capture the thread, but alas, I never got around to transferring it to the PC. I’m not ever sure I have that floppy anymore. Rather a pity. It does come to mind now and then, and I always wish I had saved it. Sigh.
So this Halloween, remember to wear that studded chocolate chip armor, or the werecookies might get ya!
I love that spontaneous humor, and many times the first thing that pops into your head is the best.
I was in line at a restaurant the other day and the lady in front of me asked the Maitre’D “How many Weight Watcher points are the meals here?” He replied without blinking an eye, “All of them.”
Hahaha! Thats a good one, Xian. Did she take a table or did she leave?
I’d curb that kind of stuff in service work. My sister’s had a lot of waitressing jobs, and I’m afraid I always worried about how all her favorite stories were about smart-aleck servers getting “cute” with the customers - samples:
(angry customer) “This potato’s bad!”
(smart-aleck waiter) (picks up potato, shakes finger) Bad potato! Bad potato!
(Lady wanting salad dressing) “You got a rainch?”
(Server) “No, I have a small farm. What kind of dressing do you want?”
Or in a place that served Mahi Mahi, and the management had been very insistent that the servers shouldn’t call it “dolphinfish,” lest the customers get ideas about screaming dolphins in fishing nets:
(Customer) “What is this?”
(Two servers singing in unison) “They call him Flipper, Flipper, catch of the day / Once a family pet, now he’s just an entree…”
Scropia,
Have you ever heard the old saying: Be careful what you wish for?
Have you heard this story?
There was this alcohoic that got lost in the desert and kept on askig for spirts.
He kept on saying: Please God give me spirits. Please more spirts.
Finally, he went over a hill and in the valley he sees a ghost town. He then thinks I’m bond to find spirts there.
He goes into town and sees a saloon. He goes up to the door and sees a sign that says: We only serve spirts.
The alcoholic the thought: Great, I found my spirts.
He opens the door and looks in. Suddenly, his hair starts to stand on end, his mouth opens wide, and his eyes buldges out. He then turns around yelling: “Spirits, spirits, spirits.”
Well, I did say this was a GHOST town.
Server: If you need anything, my name is Patricia
Me: If we don’t need anything, what’s your name then?
A friend of mine went often to the bank during lunch hours to do stuff for his wife’s dental clinic.. I went with him since we were going to lunch afterwards.. After waiting 15 mins in line we get to the teller, with an oldish lady looking at us..
Me: We’d like to open a joint account, please.
There was a long silence…. :)
X, ah, but those are on the rude side. One should only be rude as a last resort. And I saw that bad potato repartee in a Garfield strip once.
John, I know all too well about getting what you wish for ;)
Martin, hehe. I hope you explained to the poor lady what it was all about.
Figures. I never said she hung out with an original crowd. I prefer to save this sort of thing for people I know and love to torment. Like, you know, you. Strangers may be a little harried, and have probably heard all the mischief I can dream up anyway.
(I used to know a fellow whose answer to every “Can you tell me..?” or “Do you know…?” question was “Yes,” without more. I saw that in an Inspector Clouseau movie, and it gets old, fast…).
I have a very dry humor with a deadpan delivery so I’ve learned to reign in my tongue lest I make mortal enemies over a joke. SIGH.
Ha ha ha!
Just came over from open mic on successful-blog to read about the diabolical werecookies! OMG! funny.
Cheers!